Star Gazer, Moon Watcher

full moon in Kuala Lumpur's sky, 19 April 2008

I am a moon watcher, I am a star gazer.
I don’t know much about the universe, I don’t know much about the galaxies, I don’t know much about astronomy. But I know one thing: stars and moon amaze me in a certain way, and now I tell you why

The Night Sky is My Soul’s Sanctuary. When I am sad I love to look up to the sky. I trust the sky as the keeper of my dreams, the cradle of my beloved souls, for the deaths on earth are all the livings there.

I look up to the sky at night when I miss the persons that I have never, or will never see again; my father, my first love, my past lovers, my good friends, my grandparents... then I know one thing.

I know that I have lost a quite a lot of people in my life, and i have missed so many beautiful places. I look up to the sky when I miss lovely days with my little sister, my old home, my childhood's hometown, the sparkle on Gombel hills of Semarang that used to be seen from my terrace, my ship, my days in Japan, my lone walking nights in Trocadero, wide grass field on the mountains where I used to camp, my white roses, my tiny little steps when I was a little girl learning to run…

All my beautiful memories are kept in a black box called the Night Sky. Each and every stars are the representation of the past existences. They blink, they spark, so far away, keeping my heart from away grieving. Keeping my heart to stay in a trust that the good days are not just the past but they are sparkling still within my heart. They are alive.

The "black box" sends me the light that passes through millions of light years,then I know that at least as long as I live, the spectrums of the light will always take care of me, at it shines from love that never fades, my love to those who have left, or those whom I left behind, and their love to me.

I feel warm whenever I see the sky. I feel the sacred serenity, tender caress that eases my heart that those who have been gone are still here in the circle of my "personalized universe". In my macro and micro cosmos, protecting me from another pain that might come, from another separation, wound from another valediction.

I can tell whose faces are smiling at me up there, between stars, clouds and moon. The darkness of the night is so kind to conceal the sadness, to provide me with such vast space to draw the faces or events that I miss with my mind. And I could see, the little me running, turning round and round in my favorite yellow princess-like gown… I could even hear that little girl laughs, ran to her father, sat on his lap, or waking up and saw a glass of hot chocolate milk vaporizing the warm fragrance of love and care… I could hear that little girl singing “Nina Bobo” to her little doll dressing up in red, or crying in her dull-colored room alone in her difficult nights.
I learn so much from life that I completely understand how a valediction comes. When the goodbye has reached the “adieu” state than just a “see you again”. I learn so much to identify who would be leaving me without even care if I would love to see him again, in the name of every reason that match to the ones I have listed from my lessons of life.

The night sky reminds me to all those events, that i would be awaken out of my almost-convincing lulabies... Then soon I know that I have to prepare a new space in the black box to keep him and all my memories there, and recall him sometimes to smile at me from high above.

As for my sweet dreams, I keep them all there, next to the moon. So when it is full and glowing I could feel the excitements of making them true, or leaving them behind in peace.
When my soul will rest, I will place her right there, floating in the night sky. Wingless, far from glorious Pegasus-like shape, yet it will grab all energy sparked by the burning helium, energy of creations, of the big bangs, of what happened in the past and foreseen in the future.

Of feelings that will never fade, reflections, circles of living - like the way satellites run, like the way it glows from the sunshine… white, white, glowing, moving only by the will of gravity, resting in the peace of my zero will…
Do you sometimes feel the same?